🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.